ge: Men, Masculinity, and Love
Reviews (166)
A great primer for any man looking to change.
Short review—a great primer for any man looking to change. Just a touch of back story. As a kid I saw the Old Boys Club antagonize my mom in all kinds of nasty ways, so I decided my way of being a man would be to “do no harm” essentially embrace a sort of neutral passivity… which kinda worked, but I’ve found passivity allows the patriarchy to still hold sway, and I am often still complicit. So, I’ve been exploring what a healthy assertive masculinity would look like. A friend of mine recommended bell hook’s book “The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love” saying it is the only book out there addressing Alternative Masculinity. “The Will To Change” is a broad description of what the Patriarchy does to men—Dr. hooks describes a totalized system, I have to admit I’ve not experienced all the manifestations of patriarchy described, but I’d imagine that just means I’m either lucky or have some blinders. What follows are a few points made throughout the book: -Patriarchy does not allow for relationship Dr. hooks begins with the statement that women fear men, for we are a constant threat of violence to them. She uses an intense example by Barbara Deming, who describes the first time she felt true intimacy with her father, which was when she held his corpse. It was the first time there was no threat of violence in him. Put simply, Patriarchy involves domination, and love and domination can’t coexist. So, all intimacy within patriarchal culture is pretend intimacy. -The Patriarchy involves Domination Men living under the Patriarchy are constantly asking where they are on the social pecking order. There can be no sign of weakness. Instead of finding self-esteem in a man’s individual identity it is always found in relation to other men. Any sign of weakness is shamed. The question is always “who is on top?” “who is dominating who?”. One of the silly thing men often do is answer questions even if they don’t know the right answer, or were not asked the question—this is because not having the answer causes shame and shows weakness. So, mansplaining, for example, is an attempt to not be shamed. -“Psychic self-mutilation” Boys become men when they learn to stop expressing their emotions. This is a horrendous loss, and within the Patriarchy manhood is reaffirmed by learning to only grieve this loss in private. Dr. hooks suggests the anti-social stage of development in boys may in fact be the point at which they learn to stop expressing their emotions. There are multiple masks men learn to use to hide this grief and other emotions. In general the mask is compartmentalization. This causes men to distrust everyone, after all if they are masking their pain, everyone is lying. Often times boys living in anti-patriachal homes lead a double life at home and at school. Additionally, Workaholism is a mask that is rewarded and encouraged by pretty much everyone. Work is a place to escape the self. It encourages a sense of separate spheres, men work and make money, women work at home and do the emotional work for men. Another major mask is sex. The Patriarchy has told men that sex is the only space for intimacy and release of emotions. This causes men to have a constant sense of sexual scarcity, after all they are told sex does the work of all passions, sensualities, and relationships. “All human needs are promised to us by way of sex and sexuality.” It isn’t put in its proper place as “one pleasure among many pleasures.” Dr. hooks warns women ought not ignore the pain the Patriarchy inflicts upon men, as they too can be socialized into psychic self-mutilation. -Change is hard Popular culture props up the Patriarchy, even when it tries to be thoughtful about masculinity. For example, American Beauty, Life as a House, and Monsters Ball all depict men critically reflecting upon their emotional life, and they all end up dead. Who would choose to embrace a practice that he is told will lead to his destruction? Men are often bought off by the Patriarchy. Dr. hooks describes a gentle quiet feminist man who assumed a macho persona and was rewarded for it. Women were drawn to him, he was noticed publically and professionally, and “his feminism ceased.” At times mainstream feminism gives men who want to change mixed messages, “Hold onto ideas about strength and providing for others… while dropping your investment in domination and add an investment in emotional growth.” It’s important to remember that women also enforce patriarchal norms. The following conversation is a norm: “How do you feel?” “Like there is something missing, I’m in pain and I think society hates me.” “Shut-up.” Similarly, men recovering from substance abuse often have the experience of being told by their partner, “Now that you are sober you no longer need to express your feelings.” Finally, as long as the Patriarchy is the water in which we swim, men who want to change will be left resource-less. “Men will never receive support from patriarchal culture for their emotional development.” -But it is worth it “Anytime a single male dares to transgress patriarchal boundaries in order to love, the lives of women, men, and children are fundamentally changed for the better.”
Changed my life.
Growing up in a conservative, religious environment, I was often taught to stay away from feminist books, with the caution that they would poison my mind. Contrary to that advice, I have found nothing more liberating than to read books that validate my experience, and interrupt the silent hatred that has bubbled in my being as a result of witnessing the patriarchy at play. In The Will to Change, bell hooks isn't spreading concepts of feminism through a binary lens of men vs. women. She claims that believing in a concept of male supremacy is as erroneous as spreading ideas of female supremacy. In order for the feminist movement to progress, we need men. Period. She posits that women need a space to process the experiences of living in a patriarchal society, and that we need a space to acknowledge and expose the feelings that arose and still linger as a result of said experiences. We need to engage in our own healing so we can form alliances with men. Patriarchy has no gender, y'all. We are all victims, and must work together to dismantle it.
Brilliant, important, timely
This is one of the most important books I've read, and I've read a lot. bell is so right that patriarchy has no gender, and I don't see how we fix things until we get this concept in it's full depth and with all it's implications. What astounds me is the extraordinary generosity of this book: as a white man from New England, this black woman from Kentucky, who's background could not be more different from my own, she has taught me a very great deal about the core issues in my life, family, and culture. I would also suggest reading Carol Gilligan's "The Birth of Pleasure," which covers similar ground from a different angle and is just as good.
Compassion for men
As a 36 year old straight cis white guy raised by right leaning parents in rural Virginia, I thought this book was fantastic. Hook did a great job illustrating how the concept of masculinity has really hindered my growth and attempted to destroy my personal identity. I was really happy to see that she also correctly pointed at the women who work (specifically or through conditioning) to prop up the patriarchy. Fantastic book for anyone who wants to see that men also need compassion and love. And men, it shows us the shackles binding us so that we can work to set ourselves free. You deserve to be whoever you were going to be before our innocence was crushed in childhood.
Challenging Patriarchy for the Sake of Both Men and Women
The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks challenged me time and again. Hooks writing is always engaging and The Will to Change is no exception. The Will to Change looks at the way society molds the ideas of masculinity in connection with femininity. Hooks focuses on the influence of patriarchy on the roles men and women play in society starting with childhood. As I read, I struggled at times to let go of preconceptions I didn't even know I held. The Will to Change explores how men can live more whole lives and how that will benefit both men and women as well as society.
The most compassionate book on men that I have ever read!
This is the most healing book that I have ever read! As someone who has struggled my entire life to understand my disconnect with men, this book has offered me a perspective that has facilitated a deeper connection to myself as well as a deeper connection to men. I feel healing taking place in areas I had previously lost hope. Words cannot express how profoundly appreciative I am that Bell Hooks wrote this book.
A brilliant and important work
This was my first introduction to Bell Hooks (I can't recall what other book i was reading that referenced it and I thought I should check it out). Well, a very important read I believe as it addresses some foundational issues that AREN'T being addressed with men. Patriarchy and its impact, both robbing women as well as men and its consequential misogyny. So deeply entwined within our upbringing and culture. Bell masterfully and tenderly pulls it apart - and why this is so important is it exposes that 'men will be men' is a LIE and that we are much more multifaceted and CAPABLE of change and BEING whole, loving and MORE than what our culture would want to straighjacket us into. - I since have started to read her book on LOVE and it is profound and awesome and truly is providing language and an outlook that is life changing. I highly recommend. (And I wish I could have met her. Sadly I just read in the news of her passing right as I was getting to know her work. quite a remarkable woman and gift to this world.) - BTW - I'm a man writing this and its just my perspective.
Great book. bell hooks is one of our most ...
Great book. bell hooks is one of our most prominent scholars who makes feminism accessible to everyone, and also demonstrates the benefits of a feminist perspective for everyone, not just women. This is appropriate for both genders, especially men. Her perspective on patriarchy outlines how its continued social organization is detrimental to all of us equally. I found her work revealed pain I couldn't previously have recognized or uncovered.
Essential reading
bell hooks does an amazing job analyzing both the depth and breadth in which our society's veneration of toxic masculinity harms everyone, focusing on the men that the Patriarchy purports to benefit. I was recommended this book by a formerly incarcerated man who used bell hooks and her analysis to design an anti-Patriarchy class while in prison. I recommend this book to anyone but especially to men who identify with feminist ideals but have difficulty on how to express them in a healthy and constructive way.
Hugely important for men who want more from life
Wow. What an amazing book. After nearly a decade of focused exploration into growth, healing, and how to reclaim all aspects of our humanity, I stand in awe at the depth and breadth of important aspects bell hooks was able to gather in this concise, powerful book. She clearly has an agenda and references patriarchy constantly, which might turn some people off, but the deeper truths behind the specific language she uses is undeniable. If you seek wholeness and meaning and love, this book is an invaluable companion on your journey.
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